Devil Cat
by TheFoxPack
Summary: The Shinigami Women's Association exists for many reasons. One of those seems to be torturing Byakuya, at least from his perspective.


**A/n:** None of us own anything. Not the show, not the characters, nothing but this work which we get no profit from :)

**Prompt**\- Crack!fic. Byakuya rubbed his temples. Why the _fuck_ did the Shinigami Women's Association exist?

* * *

They were in his walls again. Scurrying about, taking advantage of all the secret passages and unused rooms. Chattering like so many noisy mice.

He'd tried sealing the secret rooms.

Didn't work. They found others.

He'd tried chasing them out.

Didn't work. They came back.

He'd even stooped to bribery.

Didn't work. They came back anyway.

To make matters worse the smell of roasting fish reached his nose. That really was beyond the pale; it was one thing for Yachiru to constantly steal the koi but did they have to eat them? Not that he couldn't acquire more, but it was the principle of the thing. He didn't particularly blame the vice-captain, what could you expect from someone with her parentage or lack thereof? It was an achievement that she wasn't eating _people_ given her near worship of her captain.

He sighed and stalked down the halls. Knowing his luck, they'd set something on fire before the cooking was done.

There were all kinds of secret passages that the infernal women used, and he followed the scent of roasting fish to the one being used today. Though it was an exercise in futility, he had the entrance boarded up.

Knowing they'd likely just find another way, he walked to his office and shut the door, rubbing his temples. As he sat down to work, an ominous rustling and muffled voices came from behind a painting of sakura trees in bloom.

Dear gods, no...

"...Hisagi on the next mission to...and it will just be..." Rangiku's muffled voice was saying. He winced as titters followed. Seriously didn't they have work to do? He most certainly did. He filled out the requisition form, a headache already forming.

"...say Aizen-taichou and..." Momo's voice sounded angry.

"...rumors...not true. Can you even...scandal," Nanao's voice answered soothingly. Yachiru's high-pitched giggle rang out and there was a snap. Byakuya looked to see his calligraphy brush snapped in two, ink splattered across the page. He snatched a replacement brush, a stack of paperwork and stalked out of the room.

He settled down to work in another room. Relishing the sweet silence that enabled focus and productivity. He had just filled out a few of the forms in his to-do pile and enjoyed approximately fifteen minutes of peace... when the giggling rang out again from within the wall behind the bookcase. He sighed and rubbed his temples. Gods these infernal women... couldn't they bother someone else? He groaned and took a deep breath to remain calm despite his rising frustration. He would NOT let these women get the better of him. He would not. He was a Kuchiki, damn it!

The headache was getting worse by the minute. He tried to ignore the muffled noises but it was impossible. Maybe he could work in the garden. No secret rooms there.

Pleased with his plan, and mentally denying that he was fleeing, he gathered his things and escaped to his private garden.

The heavy main door of the manor closed with a thud.

X

Unheard by the lord of the house a voice whispered in the hidden room, "Finally. Now on to business." A dozen faces smiled devious smiles.

They discussed their scheme in hushed voices, listening for Byakuya's return. They plotted, thick as thieves, about the upcoming event. It would be the most spectacular stunt the Women's Shinigami Association had ever pulled off.

And it all centered on the noble whose home they'd invaded.

The meeting broke up shortly thereafter, and Soifon was sneaking Yoruichi back to her hideout at the Shiba clan house.

"Are you sure you want to go through with this?"

"Sure. It sounds like great fun but, it's not going to work if Kuchiki-Kun knows I'm back in Soul Society so keep it down," Yoruichi hissed playfully. Soifon blushed and went silent. She didn't like this plan one bit though.

X

The next morning, as Yoruichi and Soifon entered the Shiba house kitchen, they were met with the sight of their pack, all talking excitedly among themselves.

"Ladies," Yoruichi called, and the group hushed. "I assume you all know why you're gathered here today?"

They all nodded.

"Yep!" Yachiru said, "We're gonna mess with Bya-hime cuz he said he hated cats."

Yoruichi nodded. "Yes. Now, did you all manage to secure the cat plushies?"

Another round of nods. Yoruichi was simultaneously excited at their plan and touched at the support of her pack that they were helping her exact her petty little revenge.

"Good. Let's get started then. Now, we'll start in the living room first... do I have any-"

"I volunteer as tribute!" Soifon blurted out.

Yoruichi sighed but Soifon was the stealthiest.

"Okay but remember we start subtle, just one or two," she said. Soi-fon nodded eagerly, beaming.

"I won't let you down," her face as determined as if she'd been appointed to apprehend Aizen himself. Yoruichi handed her a plushie with a blue collar affixed with a faux diamond.

"Good luck."

Soifon bowed, cat plushie in hand, and set off on her mission. making her way back to the Kuchiki manor, she went over the garden fence, through the shed, and into the house proper by way of a secret passageway.

Now's my chance to impress Yoruichi-sama, she thought.

X

Byakuya was drinking a cup of chamomile tea in the drawing room, when he thought he heard a noise. Could it be those infernal women had returned? Dear gods, he hoped not...

He sighed. Only one way to find out.

He got up and walked through to the living room, finding nothing. With a shrug, he returned to his teacup, and was just relaxing when he thought he felt a presence in the dining room next door. So he went to investigate.

He stood frozen in place when he saw it on the table. A small, black cat plushie. Staring right at him.

Wonderful. Soifon must have forgotten it during their annexation of his living space. Her love of the things was an open secret though few would have mentioned it out loud. He hated cats with a fiery passion, mostly because they were cold, demanding and insufferable. Also, they reminded him of his instructor turn traitor. He torched it to ashes with Hado 33.

X

Yoruichi smirked as several of her friends arrived with cat plushies. She told them her plan for tonight in a hushed voice.

X

Byakuya sighed. Three more of the infernal cat plushies had shown up today, all to be incinerated. He went into his bedroom and undressed for bed. An uneasy feeling struck him, and he turned on his bedside lamp.

The noble had to stifle a scream as at least a hundred of those fucking cats were revealed, on his bed and staring at him.

He almost incinerated them in one move but that likely would have burned the manor down with it. Taking a deep breath he set about burning the infernal things in twos and threes.

This was getting out of hand. The question was simply what to do about it.

He closed his eyes and rubbed his temples, racking his brain for a solution. He took several deep breaths and counted backward from ten. When he opened his eyes again, the sight that greeted him was horrific. Row upon row of the infernal cat plushies. Piles of them. everywhere he looked. His eye twitched. He could have screamed. Particularly when he heard his old instructor laughing from somewhere nearby. "So ya hate cats eh?" she taunted.

Yoruichi smirked, naked of course, at her old protégé from the doorway. As he turned towards her, his Reiatsu changed from barely suppressed rage to shock and he looked away.

"Get. Out."

Laughing, she transformed into her cat form and shot through the door heading for the kitchen.

Rubbing his temples furiously, he incinerated the new cat plushies. He wanted to blame the manor's security detail but knew they'd never had a chance.

He went into the kitchen, hunting his former mentor and current tormentor.

Reaching the entryway of the kitchen, he sighed at the sight of plushies on the counters, along with flour pawprints all over the room.

Why the fuck was this happening?

What had he done to deserve this torment?

He burned all the plushies as he swept through the kitchen, following the pawprints. Muttering and shaking his head at the dirt on his new floor, and even the walls. He quickly glanced up to see if she was hiding on top of the ceiling fans and how on earth did she get pawprints on the ceiling?!

"Right, where are you mangy furball?" he muttered, but only laughter answered him.

Ah, she was in the attic. Perfect. The place he hated because that was where all the spiders lived.

He walked up to the attic trying to keep his mind off the spiders that were probably crawling up the sleeves of his kosode. Now, where was the damn cat? In the back of his mind, he knew that chasing his old mentor was just going to encourage her but he could hardly stand for blatant breaking and entering, and really, cat toys? It was like the exile had been as a fresh academy graduate, partying, pulling idiotic pranks without any thought to propriety or the gravity of her station. Then again what did he expect from an exile?

He felt something brush against the back of his neck and slapped at it, thinking it was a spider. When he heard male laughter, he whirled to see the whiskered face. He grabbed at the black shadow, but the flash-step queen nimbly leaped right through his arms and scampered away.

Fuck. This.

X

Yoruichi in cat form sprinted through the attic dodging around boxes and ducking Bakudo. Freedom! she thought, laughing as she reached the far side and leaped through the small attic window to the roof of the mansion's next wing ten feet below. She turned to look at the mansion's owner and laughed again before shooting off across the roof, as a binding kido stiffened the tip of her tail. Cutting it close, she chided herself.

X

Byakuya paused in an undignified position in the attic window and aimed again. Hands poised, he quickly muttered the spirit chant. Leading the target, aimed just in front of the black cat, he summoned his most powerful Bakudo spell and fired.

X

Yoruichi sensed the rising kido and rolled to the side, diagonally thanks to her momentum. The kido struck the roof next to her and she leaped to her feet, then fell, her left front paw frozen stiff in a yellow glow. Shit. She was on the slope of the roof near the edge. Thrusting with her good paws she threw herself into empty space.

x

Byakuya was hot on her tail, shunpo-ing after her at lightning speed. Damn it she wasn't going to escape him this time! She may have been the queen of flash stepping but he'd been honing his skills for decades to surpass her. He too leaped off the roof and into the empty space, landing on the adjacent rooftop.

X

"Where are you, devil cat?" he grumbled as he chased her down. He'd so make her pay for those infuriating cat plushies.

Yoruichi switched into her human form, leaving her left arm frozen but her legs fully functional. Flash-stepping she streaked, quite literally, towards the grounds wall. Cleared it in one jump and shot towards the main road. Somehow she didn't think her old protégé would be willing to give chase to a naked woman through the middle of the Sereitei in broad daylight. She wound a zigzagging path anyway. Just in case.

X

Byakuya could barely sense the reiatsu trails left behind as he chased his former mentor. He followed them out of the manor grounds and to the road. The road filled with passerbys. He stopped there, glaring. Maybe he'd chased her far enough. He headed back to the manor, swearing that next time he'd chase her to the ends of the earth.

He kept his pace quick as he walked back home. Quietly fuming at his former mentor. Only upon his return to the manor, he found the door barricaded by a mountain of the cat toys. He sucked in a breath through clenched teeth and clenched his fists.

"Fuck you, Yoroichi," he hissed under his breath.


End file.
